I’ve been trying to figure out why I eat like I do.

I want to fix that so I can be healthy and happy for me.

I don’t want to be limited or held back because of my weight.

I want to shop at normal stores again.

I want to try new things.

I just want to live a better life.

I want to get out of my head and lose my obsession with eating and food.

I just want to live.

I'm desparately waiting and holding on.

I feel lost in my head most days. 

<sigh>

One moment at a time.....that's all I can do

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/2008/12/11/vause.china.extreme.weight.cn

Ok, so I'm back.

With good news, not so good news and everything in-between.

So, why such a long vacation from the blog-o-sphere?

Well, there are a number of reasons. 

In no particular order:

1.  I bought a house.

     This has been one of the biggest most frustrating learning experiences of my life.  I mean, I love having a place to call my own, and it's great to have a place to call "home", but oh lord, I had no idea what I was in store for when I purchased a house.  It's nothing but money. and work. and money. and more money. and even more money. So, what exactly have I learned?

 A. I've learned that there's a lot of detail to check when buying a house.  If the foundation is bad or the floor is wet, run like hell

 B. I've learned that even though they are cute, chipmunks are annoying destructive horrible rodents.  I have enjoyed ridding my property of them. 

 C. I've learned that running a dehumidifier will make your electric bill go sky-high

 D. I've learned that sitting on the front porch while storms roll in in relaxing

 E. I've learned that road construction sucks even more when it right in front of your house.  I can't park in my driveway, I won't have mail delivery until after Thanksgiving. 

 F. I've learned that I love having band practice at my house - even if it is cramped in my little over-stuffed garage

 G. I've learned that I love having people over for BBQ's on my back patio.

 H. I've learned that having a riding lawn mower that doesn't work SUCKS when you have almost an acre out back to cut.  Gotta love the push mower. 

 I.  I've learned how to use a chainsaw, install a door knob, set up a tent, operate a water softener

 J. I've learned that I despise well water.  It is the worst thing ever.  It smells so bad.  Yuck.

2.  I bought a new-used car - a  2005 Saturn Ion. Thanks to my cousin Curt, I got a GREAT deal, though the monthly payments are a little higher than I wanted to pay.  This is the first time I've had to make car payments EVER.  My other car, the 1995 Olds died on me - transmission went out, and quit running on my way to trade it in.  Well, it didn't die completely- It was still drive-able in reverse only.  I didn't want to risk trying to drive backwards all the way to brown deer, so I abandoned it in a church parking lot.  Ahhh, I'll miss that car.  Ok, not so much.

3.  The biggest reason I haven't blogged? Well, actually, it's because I've fallen off the wagon and fallen hard.  I've gained a bunch of weight back, and am super frustrated about my food and eating.  I am a total emotional eater, and the stress of my life has taken a toll on my will-power where it comes to food.  I don't know why I do it either - I mean, eating does NOT make me happy.  I end up beating myself up so bad mentally about beating myself up physically.  I can't believe that I cannot fit into clothes that I was wearing less than a year ago.  My downfall started right around Thanksgiving of last year - I was at the lowest weight I had been at ever, my clothes were fitting great, and I was on top of the world - or so I thought.

Slowly but surely, the pounds have been coming back on.  It kills me to have to buy bigger clothes.  It kills me that the clothes I wore comfortably don't even come close to fitting anymore.

You know, I don't want to be where I'm at.  I'm trying to figure out just what went wrong - where my eating and working out took a left turn and I turned right.  I keep trying to put the pieces of this big puzzle together to figure it out, and sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't. 

I mean, I believe my downfall started shortly after my grandfather passed away.  He was my hero - and it killed me to lose him.  I miss him so much - not sure if that will ever stop.  I want so badly to pick up the phone and hear his voice again - I want to hear him ask me how the car is running, or if I'm wearing my jacket.  I miss even just being in the same room with him when he was incoherent.  I miss holding his hand and talking about my day.  I miss watching cooking shows with him, or working on a lego train.  I miss going to dinner with him.  I just miss him.  Everyday. 

I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life, but that was the worst.

Then I went on vacation in December and was a little too loose with my diet.  It was my first vacation in forever, and I totally cut loose....food, drinks, drinks, drinks....did I mention drinks?  It was a fun week. I don't think I even worried about money which was a first.

Then I got back and gave in to the temptation of the holidays.  Then food became a friend to me when I was stressed out about money, or family or whatever.  I almost feel like I'm trying to fill a void within me with food.  And then sometimes I have thoughts if I am doing it because I don't feel secure - like part of me is scared that I'm not going to have money for food and eat everything I can to make myself feel like I have enough "in storage". 

And then I know that I eat to cover up feelings of guilt - I feel guilty that my family is struggling with money and I can't give them everything they want and deserve; I feel guilty that I promised Emily we would have a room built in the basement for her, and now the basement issues and lack of money are making that hard to do; I feel guilty that I'm not the man I need to be for Vicki; I feel guilty that I can't do it all and be everything to everyone; I feel guilty that I have to work so hard and be gone all the time in order to bring home what money I can.

Everything these days seems to be about money and it drives me crazy.  I am trying so hard to better myself and get in a better position financially, but I always seem to end up caught behind the 8-ball.

Err...derailed thought sorry......Food.  Eating.  Hell.  I mean, it's to a point now where I don't even know what to do.  I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm full, when I'm happy, when I'm sad.....hell, I'll eat at just about anytime.  And I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE.

It's been killing me to see the scale go up, up, up, up.  I had to break into the totes of my bigger sized clothes yesterday.  And as I was going through them I found several pairs of pants and shirts from when I was at my biggest.  I held them up and couldn't believe it.  I almost cried, but then I would have had to explain at home what was wrong.  I don't want to be that size ever again.  Even now it's hurting me to be as big as I've gotten again.

The most frustrating thing is that I know what I have to do to lose the weight.  I have the knowledge in my brain - Fitness Together did a great thing by filling me full of all this knowledge.  But, there's something in me that totally sabotages my will-power.  I can't figure out how I was doing so good for so long.  Now, I can't just seem to do it.  Fuck. There I said it. Fuck fuck fuck. 

I know that:

Weight Loss = More calories out vs. Calories In

I know that:

Whole unprocessed foods are good for me -

I know that:

Exercise is crucial - I need to get back on the horse.  I've been still doing 1-2 training sessons a week, but have been inconsistent with my cardio.  I haven't been moving like I should.

It's a horrible feeling to put on your pants and have them be so tight that the white liner of your pockets show.  I can't believe I can't wear the sweatshirt that I bought last December in the Bahamas.  I hate that I can't jump around on stage like I used to do.

It bothers me that my confidence level has also dropped as well.  I just don't feel as confident as far as anything goes - work, band, relationships, friendships......everything is impacted.

So, with all the bad stuff that comes with the weight and how it affects me, why can't I stop eating and start exercising?

Have any ideas fro me? Go back to OA?  Wire my mouth shut? Try therapy again? Meditate? Go back to church?  Pray? 

This is why I haven't blogged - embarassment, shame, self-absorption......it's been bad.

But I want to find a way to dig myself out of this ditch before it becomes a hole I can't claw my way out of.

I need help, but not sure where to turn.

God help me.

love & stuff,

I'm here - still pushing.  They say it's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up.

I'm trying to get back up.  Again.

More later -

Love,

Tommy

Here's the list of things I'd like to things I WILL work at accomplishing Accomplish:

in the seemingly never-ending story of over-eating, I tripped and fell hard today. dammit, it pisses me off so much that i just cant seem to get a hold of my emotional eating.  i got some tough news friday night and i was ok up until i got up to go to the bathroom at 12:30am....I remember crawling back into bed at around 1:05am, right after having an ungodly amount of honey nut cheerios, milk, and assorted chocloates. 

the eating cintinued all morning with pancakes and syrup, a couple of popsicles, various other crap that i didn't need...........

around 1:30pm i had the worst headache i've had in a long time - and i still have it. tylenol isn't helping at all.   i guess that could be attributed to a sugar overload....my intestinal tract has been in knots all day too.  all in all i just feel like crap. i feel like the shit i ate today - mindless and worthless.  grrrrr.

why do i do this to myself over, and over again?!  dammit all anyhow.

dangit, and i was so determinted on friday morning.  i know it's right back on the track and i need to do what i need to do. 

ok, i have to go to my gig...maybe a couple of drinks will help.  <sigh>

anyone have some words of encouragement?  lord know i need it.

thanks for listening - if anyone is out there.

love & stuff,

I enjoy reading - honestly I do.  All kinds of books - fiction, self-help, cookbooks, biographies, magazines, religious, new-age...you name it I love to read it....Well, to be honest, lately it seems like I enjoy buying books more than I do actually reading them.  I have a stack of books at home that I want to dive into.  Hmm....When and where am I going to find the time to do that?! I've been carrying the same two books in my work bag for a month now and haven't really cracked either one.  I have a stack of books in my desk at work that I intend on reading.  I have a bookshelf full of books at home that I want to read as well.  I think I need to stop buying books, and read the ones I have.

What books do I want to read - Here's a few:

The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
The New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
Losing It - Valerie Bertinelli
Food & Mood - Elizabeth Somer
Clapton's Guitar - Allen St. John
The Secret Things of God - Dr. Henry Cloud
Rich Dad, Poor Dad - ?
The Bible - God

I tried diving into one book last week - The Oprah bookclub pick of the month, Eckhardt Tolle's The New Earth.  it seems lime it should be a great read.  But, much like everything else, my attention span seems so limited lately that I find myself reading the same page two or three times.  I just get distracted so easily....My mind has a tendency to wander - I feel as if I lack focus in many areas of my life.  That's something I have been trying to improve upon.

I've even tried books on CD and my mind still wanders. Grrr.....

I've been trying to work on my focus - and that's been difficult.  I have been having trouble staying in "the now".  I'm constantly thinking about what I need to be doing, or what I have to do the following day, or chores, or work, or working out, or relationship stuff, or money or....well, you get the idea - you name it, and I'm probably thinking about it....all within the same 5 minute period.

I want my mind to be still....to be in the moment....to just "be".  That is so much harder than I ever thought it could be.  It's like I'm not doing justice to whatever task is at hand because I'm always thinking about the next thing and the next thing.  

I know this doesn't have much to do with fitness/diet....but then again maybe it does.....I have realized this past week as I am on the elliptical of in a session, that I need to be present and think about what I am doing.  It's easy to get on the elliptical and simply go through the motions, content to do exactly what I did the day before, and the day before, and the day before that. 

Yesterday, I figured out that even though I am going into FT everyday for cardio, I'm not making the most of my time there.  If I am going to devote 20 to 25 minutes a day to cardio, I need to make it the best 25 ass-busting minutes of cardio that I can do.  I think my results have been stalled because I have lost the focus - the drive to get things done and done right.  (Well, the lack of focus and the over-eating stuff too, but they go hand-in-hand, I think).

One of my new goals, is that when I get to FT in the morning, I want to attack my cardio with a renewed spirit.  I don't want to settle for putting forth the minimum amount of effort.  I know that what I get out of workouts is hugely based on what I put into them.  I need to work harder, sweat more, become more intense...more focused....The quality of my life depends on it. 

I've come too far in my journey....And although it seems like I've reached a brick wall, there's good news....The good news is that I know that because of the knowledge I have gained at Fitness Together though great trainers and friends, I have the tools need to get through, or over that damn wall.

I'm not giving up - I have a lot of fight in me, and I'm ready to break down that freakin' wall....One day and one brick at a time if need be.

Love and stuff  -

So, I've been putting off writing in this thing for a while, so I guess it's time to get back to work. 

It's been an interesting time as of late - food is still a huge issue with me, and I've come to the conclusion that it is always going to be in one way or another.  So, somehow I need to find, or better yer make some peace with food.  I know that it is possible because there are days where it has seemingly no control over me, and then there's the other times where I am a slave to the obsessive thoughts. 

Like the rest of my life, I need to seek balance in this.  Talking to a therapist has helped a lot with that - and now that I've met my medical deductible, I can start going back more regularily.  The last session I had we did a form of therapy called EMDR (look it up on line - it'd be easier to do that than for me to try and explain it.  Long story short, after one session I felt less guilt about some of my binge eataing and the feelings of worthlessness diminished as well.  It amazed me how it worked....I was skeptical at first, but after that one session I am hopefull.  I have another appointment in 2 weeks, so hopefully that will help my continue on the path to wellness.   One. Day. At. A. Time.

I've had some other medical stuff I'm dealing with too - and through a barrage of expensive tests I have found out there's nothing seriously wrong.  That was such a relief - that the issues I was having can be controlled with medication.  I'll take the dry mouth side-effect over the other issue any day.

I'm starting to feel my age....realizing that I have become dependant on so many different meds now....But, I suppose if they help, it's ok, right?!

The band has been going really well....better than I could have ever expected...We got a new singer - Kelly and a new rhythm guitarist - Nick, and I have to admit, it's been fun playing out again.  We switched booking agencies and our schedule is filling up nicely.  We have some shows lined up that I am really looking forward to.  Now, I don't look at the band as a purely money making thing, but I tend to look at it as a vehicle to express myself and have some fun playing music with some great friends.  I am so lucky to be in a band with this group of people.  It's nice that things are looking up for 76 Juliet.

I went to a concert in Madison this past Sunday night with Ethan, Vicki's son, and at first I was like, oh man, what have I gotten myself into? We pulled up and it was at the Madison Teen Center - mad, did I feel old.  But we got in and secured a spot so we both could see....and I have to tell you, I was pleasantly surprised - the bands were actually really, really good....Poppy emo-rock stuff, but really well done.....My favorite band of the night was called Automatic Loveletter - I haven't stopped listening to the CD that I picked up there.  The other bands I liked were Making April & Secondhand Serenade.  Google 'em, or look for them on MySpace - you won't be sorry.  Great music.

And the whole indie-music, original band scene really got me thinking - I want to get back to writing my own songs and recording them.  I've been feeling an urge to do that for some time.  Now I need to find some time to do it.  I want to put a CD out - not because I want to famous or because I want to be a rock star; I want to have something out there that I can say came from me - I dunno, I guess I've been in a bit of an intro-spective kind of mood lately.  I feel like I have some songs in me that I need to let out - but as with many things, getting started is the hardest part. 

I have been pretty good with making it in to Fitness Together for my cardio and training - I've been doing 25 minutes a day on the elliptical or treadmill.  I have to say this here - I cannot wait for spring....I definitely have some cabin fever going on.....I want to be able to run outside without 4 layers of clothes on.  I am looking forward to feeling the sun on my face and the sweat on my brow as I run along the lakefront.  God, I miss that.  Spring, where are you?

Weigh-in's on the other hand haven't been so inspiring.  I've been trending upwards - and that scares the shit out of me.  The last thing I want to do is creep back up - I've worked too hard to get to this point.  So, I need to do some tweaking and hopefully find something that will work.....I want to lose 38 pounds - compared to where I've come from, that's a small number, but never before has 38 felt more like 3800.  <sigh>  I know I'll do it, it's just trying to figure out when I'll have the restaint and self-control to do it.

Oh - I almost forgot - there was a 2 mile fun run back in February in underwood parkway for the Steve Cullen heart run/walk.  I particpated in that as a member of team Baird (where I work).  It was a brisk morning - ok, it was downright cold, but I survived.  And, I was able to run the whole thing - all 2 miles without stopping to walk.  I figured that was pretty good seeing as though 1. It was SUPER cold, 2. The terrain was snowy/icy for the majority of the route, & 3.  I really haven't done a ton of outdoor running since it's been so cold.  I saw a bunch of familiar faces from work there, and it was great to feel the part of such a awesome team of people. 

I can't wait for the Bastille run this year.  I have to try and beat my time from last year.

The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to pursuing the skin removal surgery and start writing letters to the insurance boards again.  I have a hard time reaching out to people for help - I always have.  Several friends and aquaintances have been presistent at trying to get me to write a letter and send it to Oprah, Montel, etc.....I guess I can see that I have a good story as far as the weight loss goes, but what makes it unique to other stories out there?  I mean, what makes my weight loss story and struggles stand out over other people's stories?  I dunno....maybe I'll have to do some soul searching and write that letter.  Anyone out there think that's a good idea?  I have to get the fight back in me....I want this, but just how bad do I want it? Pretty freakin' bad. 

And, I also have felt an urge, dare I call it my calling to help people who are struggling with getting started with weight loss or fitness.  Even though I am struggling, I feel like maybe I could be there to help someone get past their fears and inhibitions about making a change in their life.  I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but I do have first-hand experience in what it takes to make a change and get the ball rolling.     I feel like I want to write a book about my experiences, my struggles, my challenges, my over-coming difficult life-experiences and attacking life.  I want to let people know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.....and unlike what I used to believe, that light is not the front of an on-coming train, but it is a light of hope.  A light to lead the way to a change for the better.  After all, have one trip through this life - and we need to make the best of it and do what we can to make it happen.  It's up to us to make the change.  Are you up for the challenge? 

I know that I may not always seem the most positive guy, but underneath all the negativity I may display, I have a solid foundation based in hope and faith.  I trust that everything that happens to us happens for a reason - and that we are never givin anything more than we can handle. 

Keep the faith - I know I am:

Love and stuff -

So the last few weeks have been particularily difficult.  Well, actually, things have been hard since I got back from vacation.  It's been a slippery slope - mostly spiraling downwards.  Diet and nutrition has contiued to frustrate me.  I have seen substantial gains over the last month or so.....I rocketed back up to 296....yikes....Let me tell you - to see that number on the scale almost broke my heart and my spirit.  Why, after all this time and how far I have come, am I allowing myself to regain the weight that I have been so happy to be rid of?  <sigh> I'm not sure.

This morning I weighed in at 292 (294? I don't remember) - that's a 4 pound increase from last week.  My first instinct was to say screw it, I'm so frustrated and don't want to think about this anymore.  It seems as if all I do is think about what and how many calorioes I am putting in my body.  It's almost becoming an obsession....not is a good way. 

I spent time after I left FT this morning thinking about how much I hate food.  I spent a lot of time blaming the food for tasting so good and presenting such a great temptation.  But then it hit me.

I realized that I don't hate food.

I hate what food represents to me. 

Food, for me, is an escape.  When things get to be too much, I can find friendship and solace in foods that have been there for me my entire life.  Food has always been there to comfort me when I was sad.  It has always been there to celebrate when I am happy.  It has always been there when I am bored. or frustrated. or angry.  Why wouldn't I turn to food?  Food has essentially been my best friend. 

When I think of great family memories, it always seems to revolve around food....Thanksgiving feasts, or a particular specialty a family member makes to eat....Vacations away and how food was always an integral part of it.  Most of my childhood memories involve food or things I enjoyed eating.  Food had always been there - in good times and in bad.

And, at the same time as being my best friend, it is also my worst enemy. 

Food for me also represents powerlessness.  When I think of food, I think about 3am binges.  I think about not having the willpower to say no to a margarita.  or cookies. or whatever.  There has been such an intense power struggle within me for control of what I eat, when I eat it and what quantity of food I will eat.  Unlike most people, my brain doesn't seem to want to stop when I am full.  Or stop because I'm eating because I am bored or stressed or insert excuse here.  My brain doesn't care that food has this hold on me.  It's so damn frustrating feeling powerless over it almost every day.

Food represents sneakiness to me too.  Food bring out the sly, cunning side of me....I can eat food in front of people and 9 times out of 10 you would never know. It's almost like a game to see just what I can get away with.  I always think I'm going to get caught and I rarely do; especially at home.  I have become very adept at sneaking one bite at a time, and keeping it hidden from everyone. 

My car is also a place where I do a lot of my "secret" eating.  I can eat whatever, whenever while I am driving.  And the beauty of it is, no one ever has to know because it's just me, my car and my conscience.

It's almost like part of me is prideful for pulling this off almost every day.  While that part of me is prideful, I definitely am not. 

I am ashamed of myself for not being in control. All I strive for is a sense of control and the more I look to attain that, the less I seems to have.  I don't want to throw my hands up and say, "Well this is just how I am - love it or leave it." 

It's funny, because so many people have said to me, "Now that you're eating healthier, you must lose your taste for sweets and fatty foods".  Quite to the contrary - when I eat some chocolat or eat a french fry from the kids happy meal, it tastes good.  My body still loves the taste of sweet and salty and fatty foods.  I think that my trying to stay away from certain foods has only increased my desire for those same foods.  It's a stupid double-edged sword......Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I just want food to be normal with me.  I want to be able to eat 1 or 2 cookies and not feel the desire to finish the whole pack.  Or, have the desire but have an even greater willpower to resist the temptation.  It's the the forbidden fruit story in the bible...You can have everything you want, except that one thing.  Then, what draws you in? That one thing...whether it's pie, or candy, cookies, whatever....It's hard to explain it....The foods call to me and many days I am poweless over them.  My will is strong by my body is weak....Most times I give into the temptaion and then always find a way to rationalize it out.  I've become really good at finding ways to justify what and how much I eat.

Gah.  It's just so freakin' hard...I want to feel normal where food is concerned.  I want to be able to keep food in the house and not worry about when I'm going to lose control and binge.  I want to be in control of what I eat and how much and when.  I have a sincere desire for all of this to work out.  I don't want to struggle with food like I have been for the rest of my life.  I want to be like people who can eat in moderation.  I want to be in control.

I just want to be normal. 

Whatever that is.

<sigh>

More to come Monday afternoon....like the changes?!

love & stuff,

Tommy

Hola!

I have something that I think is pretty neat....(Did I really just type neat?) Anyways, a newsletter that went out in the Donges Bay area did a 2 part article on my weight-loss journey.....It's a quick read - give it a look if you want.   Here's the link:

The Donges Bay Connector (Mequon) - Tommy Riewe - Milwaukee's Biggest Loser Article

http://76-juliet.freeservers.com/2007/Connector.pdf

As soon as I get part II I will post it soon - keep an eye out for it.

Also, Fitness Together recently updated their website - There are now free fitness reports you can have emailed to you, and other cool informative stuff (even a profile on yours truly) 

Third Ward Fitness Together Webpage

http://www.milwaukeepersonaltraining.com/

I'll have another update by the end of the week - just thought I'd pass these links on for now.

Keep the faith -

love & Stuff -

Tommy

ps - I'm gonna be over-haulin' this blog for the new year coming up - new pics, layout and design - keep checking back for the changes.

Hello!

Ok, so it’s been a while since the last post.  It’s been a little crazy, that’s for sure.  I’ve been trying to keep up with the holiday prep, and work, and working out – all that kind of stuff.  Let me pick up where I left off the last time –

The “Spring Cleaning” that I went through was very successful – not as bad as I thought it would be.  I lost a bunch of weight – something like 11 pounds.  The supplements were all Shaklee products – really great stuff.  After the first few days, I felt pretty normal – very tired, but still able to function.  It’s amazing how good I felt after being roto-rootered out.   The food was actually a bit more tolerable that I had thought it would be.  I also discovered that I LOVE pears.  Mmm, good stuff.

The hardest part for me was the pure protein drink that I had to drink 3x a day.  That induced my gag reflex just about every time.  I should have gotten the flavored stuff, but I made it though the whole week without a problem.  And, as an added bonus, I learned how to suppress my gag reflex. So, bring on the protein drinks anytime!!!!

I made it through Thanksgiving unscathed as well – I was way better that I thought I would be especially coming off of a week of eating nothing but broccoli and fruit. I took a little bit – a scoop or two – of the things I wanted a taste of and stopped at that.  My restraint was really good that day.  I was happy with how things turned out.

So, cheating death….that was a pretty scary experience.  I was driving home from a gig with the band from Racine….it was about 11:00pm, and I heard a thumping from the front driver side of my car….I thought it was just a noisy stabilizer link, so I figured no biggie.  I had just crosses over Moreland road and was almost to Barker rd on 94 when the thumping got so LOUD.  Guess what the smart guy here decided to do?!  C’mon guess……Ok, so as the noise got louder, something in me decided that it would be best to speed up – not the smarted thing I have ever done.  So as I accelerated to a speed of around 74 miles per hour, the thumping got even louder and my steering wheel started shaking.  I was nervous, but figured I’d check it out when I got home.  But, alas, I never made it home.

<sigh>

As I reached my top speed the vibrations steadily increased, until WHAM!!!!! There was a huge noise, then the car was engulfed in sparks and I had a hell of a time trying to steer the car.  I never even looked into the other lanes, but I moved all the way from the left lane to the shoulder on the right and pulled the car to a complete stop.  I was totally freaking out…….

So, I tried to open my door to get out and survey the damage, but I couldn’t open my door anymore that 5 or 6 inches.  What the hell?!  So I pushed on the door until I could squeeze out.  I walked to check out the wheel, but there was no wheel to check out!!! It had fallen completely off of my car!!!! I’m lucky it didn’t hit anyone and that I was actually able to keep the car under control.  Every one of the lugs was broken off and the rotor was flat on one side from scraping on the ground.  In addition, my front quarter panel was shattered and in pieces.  As I assessed the damage, I felt a strong wind on my hind-quarter….I then came to find out that I was actually standing in the freeway with cars narrowly missing me.  I guess I was in shock or something.  I got to the side of the road behind the car, and tried to figure out what to do. 

I got back in the car, and started making calls.  I called my bud Steve who has bailed me out so many times now, I’ve lost count…..He gave me the number for a tow, and I had him take it to the garage where Steve works.  He looked at it the next day and found that all the lugs were indeed broken and the nuts on my rear tire were also loose.  Scary stuff.  After a day or two, he had it fixed and I was on my way.  Thanks Steve!!! 

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Moral of the story – when my tired start thumping that loudly, pull over immediately and check it out – don’t accelerate!!!! What was I thinking?!  LOL

Since then, I also went on Vacation – to the Bahamas!!! That was incredible – the first time I ever flew in a plane, the first time I saw and swam in the ocean, the first time I snorkeled – so much awesome stuff that I did.  I will save that for the next post – It will be fun to re-visit my trip – I had such a great time. : - )

As far as working out and diet goes, the vacation really derailed me – or I derailed myself is more like it…..I have A LOT of work to do to get back to where I was.  It’s amazing how much damage a week of not working out and drinking like a fish can make you gain 13+ pounds rather quickly…..I am totally frustrated about that part of it…..Next time I go on vacation, I know that I will have to stick to some regimen and not over-indulge like I did.  I guess since this was the first REAL vacation I ever took, I just wanted to enjoy it – which I did – but now I’m paying the price.  Gotta get back on track – nothing to it but to do it, right?!

Alrighty – stay strong and keep the faith…

Love and stuff,

Tommy

So, I decided it was time to do some cleaning - from the inside out. Whatever do I mean, you ask?  Well, I disovered a new detox/cleanse that I decided to try.  It's a 7 day process, and I started it yesterday.

Let me say, it's been very interesting so far.

I'm finding that I'm doing better in the first day and a half than I thought I would.  Food is very limited during these 8 days - broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, spinach, bananas, apples & pears - along with a bunch of supplements that help me get all my nutrients and protein.  And, starting Monday I can have some salmon & Tuna! Yay!

Last night I made dinner for the fam...Chicken breasts w/ brown rice and veggies w/ brownies for desert.  I can proudly say that I didn't sneak or eat anything that I shouldn't have!!! Yay!!!  The hardest thing was cooking and not being able to taste it for seasonings..I guess it was good though, everyone ate it!! (and the kids even fought over sharing my spinach - lol).

I'm feeling ok this morning - I've had a little bit of a headaache since I woke up (probably because I haven't had my usual 5 diet cokes a day)...and this morning a had a little abdominal cramping but nothing too bad. I'm also kind of tired too....like I'm just running a little bit slow. 

 I feel pretty good over-all. I'm intrigued to see just how I'll feel after 7 days of this - my liver will probably never have felt better.

More details to come later - maybe this afternoon, maybe tomororw.

love & drain-o,

Tommy

PS - I'll have to fill you in about how I cheated death last Friday night - no lie - I don't think I had ever been so scared in my life!!!!  Details to come....

It's the most wonderful time of the year  

I cannot believe that we are a week and a half away from Thanksgiving.  Where does the time go? I don't know about ya'all, but these days I love and fear the holiday seasons.....why fear them you might ask?  Well, good food choices and nutritional choices are a daily challenge for me already - throw in the temptation of all the holiday goodies, and the thought of over-indulgence worries me.  Ok, it down-right scares me.  Everyone in my family are such amazing cooks....and with the holidays comes baked treats, and candied this, and ho-made mashed potatoes and gravy with peas, grammas chip dip....and punkin' pie, and....well, I could keep going on but I will refrain. 

I think the stretch from Thanksgiving through New Years is the toughest time of year for me.  Sure summer has me facing different temptations - State Fair creme puffs; anything at Summerfest; festival and fair foods.....Yikes, they're everywhere you turn.  But, I did fair-ly (pun intended) well this past summer sticking to lighter fare such as grilled chicken, corn on the cob (sans butter), pretzels, yadda yadda yadda.....I made a conscious effort to pre-plan and have choices made before I went for a day out at the fair, and I found that helped tremendously.

That brings me to my thoughts on Holday eating.  There is an old quote "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail" and at this time of year it is most certainly true.  I'm already planning ahead to next weeks T-giving feast, and how to get around the traps of over-eating and over-indulgence.  I have some ideas I thought I'd throw out there and share with the class.  

1. Go for a walk - while the Turkey is cooking and others are watching some football game on the tube, get outside and walk. Or play some frisbee - or throw around the 'ol pigskin...you get the idea....be active....get the family and friends involved too.

2. Drink Plenty of Water - Before you get to to where you're going, drink a 16oz bottle of water. Then, when you get to your destination, drink another bottle of water. I guar-on-tee you'll have more of a sensation of fullness and will eat less snicky-snacks. (snicky-snacks?  Ok, I'm losing it....)

3. Plan ahead for smarter snack ideas - Bring one of those 100 calorie bags of 94% microwave popcorn, or some portioned-out nuts....don't feel obliged to graze just because the food is there.  It's ok to say no.   I know this year, I am bringing a container of Hummus to my Aunt's house to eat with Veggies....it's a better choice than high-fat, high-calorie regular chip dips.  And to be honest, personally I prefer hummus...there's so many differnt varieties - you owe it to yourself to at least try it out.

Maybe have some fresh fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet tooth.  Fresh pineapple is so sweet it makes candy taste blah.  Have a banana or a handful of grapes. 

4. Plan you portions - It is the holidays, and without using that as an excuse to over-eat, enjoy yourself - If you want some homemade mashed potatoes. take a spoonful of them, don't fill half of your plate and then slather them with butter and salt and peas (like I used to do).  I know I am so looking forward to my aunt's pinah's crackers (rye chips, shredded cheese, mayo & horseradish) - the holidays have always included these little snacks. And this year, I will have 2 or 3 instead of 20 or 30 like in the olden days.  Indulge a little, but be sensible.  Have a small slice of punkin' pie - not the whole pie. 

5. Be mindful - I know this is a huge one for me....I can walk past a bowl of pretzels (or m&m's) and grab a few each time without even thinking about it....do that enough times, and before you know it the bowl will be empty and your pants will be begging you to undo the top button, unzip a little and go into a coma on the sofa for a few hours.  I am going to try and think about all my actions this holiday season and be deliberate in my choices and what I do.  I am going to do my best not to let auto-pilot take over. 

6.  Contribute to the feast with a healthy alternative - Don't show up empty-handed - find a delicious, healthy recipe to make and bring....They are a TON of great recipes in the "Food for Life" cookbook, and a plethora of great recipes on-line.  I haven't decided what to make yet, but I will be bringing something next week.

So, I guess what I've learned is, from time to time, be a little indulgent - but the secret is don't give into the temptation to over-indulge; then we have to pay the price later in the form of more double-dip lunges, squats, push-ups, crunches, etc.  I might bring a picture of the FT staff with me to my holiday get-togethers as a reminder to not fall prey to the pitfalls of holiday excess.  I think that's all the motivation I might need.

Love and Restraint,

Tommy                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

How real is reality TV?  

Without a doubt, there are a lot of people who watch the TV show "The Biggest Loser".  You know, I think that while the concept behind the show is good - and anything that can get someone off their butt to make a positive change is a good thing.  But, (and there's always a but with me), just how realistic is the TV show, and how many people get discouraged when they don't attain the same results as the contestants on the show and then stop working out & striving for change all-together?

The thing that gets me now while watching the show, is that "The Biggest Loser" is not based on reality.  Reality TV that's not real? Whatever do you mean?! Well, let me try to expound on this a bit.  I watch the show now and realize that these contestants are set up for success - all they need to do is commit to making a change and everything they need is right there in front of them. They have UNLIMITED time; a fridge stocked FULL of the healthiest, best foods; they have a trainer staying on top of them and pushing them EVERY day, several times a day; they have unlimited - day or night - access to all the cardio and fitness equipment they could ever need.  And don'e even get me started on what they don't have - they don't have the stresses of everyday life - no job to go to; no family schedules to coordinate; no personal schedules to coordinate; no outside commitments at all.  All they have to do for the time they are on the ranch is commit to being healthy and making a change.

Who among us who have been pushing, and striving, and struggling with diet and fitness and weight-loss couldn't succeed when put in a situation with those paramaters? I think anyone who has truly decided to make a change would take full benefit of that opportunity. That would be the ideal.

But, hey, this is real life we have to deal with, so let's get back on the same page here.

Everyday we are faced with choices we have to make - and ultimately we are accountable to ourselves.  From the minute the alarm goes off in the morning, you have to choose to make the time to work out - whether it's 10 minutes or an hour - the choice is yours.  The choice never seems to be the path of least resistance - when I wake up every morning at 5:30am, the temptation to stay under the covers all warm and cozy and comfortable. But I make the choice to strap on the running shoes and drive into dowtown Milwaukee while most people are still ion their slippers and robe having their first cup of coffee.

There are days where you are sore, or discouraged, or the motivation just isn't there - and it's how you deal with those situations that will determine how successful you will be.  No one ever said that eating well and losing weight was an easy proposition.

I would be remiss to forget to talk about the psychological side of weight loss - this along with food/portion distortion are two of the things I wrestle with daily.  You may lose the weight, but your mind is set is a certain mindset that you need to consciously try and break through.  I was heavy my entire life - from a kid to when I was 33 years old.  And now that I'm down the weight, you'd think everything would be all wine and roses, but as with so many things, there's a catch.  I had no idea that I would still struggle like I do with self-image and self-perception.  Just because your weight changes, your mindset may not always follow.  It really helps for me to talk that side of things out - both here, with my family, my fiancee, my trainers, my friends......people who know me and people who can really try and understand what I'm thinking.  You have to reach out when you need help - that's a main ingredient in having success, at least in my opinion.

And that brings me to eating well....Anyone who has read this blog before knows what a struggle that is for me - from the time I get up to the time I go to bed, food creates an under-current or stress for me still to this day.  I have to consciously make the choice to resist temptation, and decide exactly what I want to put into my body every day.  And what I've learned is that the best way isn't always the easiest way.  Again, it's another level of commitment to resist the lures of quick and easy fast food and less than perfect food choices that are out there.  Am I perfect in my food choices? Absolutely not.  But, I am constantly learning about food and nutrition and making tweaks every day to my diet.  I'm always will to try a healthier alternative even if I am a little hesitant.

Yes, I've lost 284 pounds in the last 2 years.....Could I have done it faster if I would have been on the Biggest Loser TV show? Oh, for sure.  But, would I have aquired the knowledge that I needed to maintain my loss for the rest of my life? I'm not sure....my gut instinct would be no.  All the follow-up stories I've read about former contestants on the show have all gained back a considerable amount of weight - who wouldn't when taken away from a facility where your main, no, your ONLY focus is to lose weight? I don't need "Bob" or "Jillian" to yell at me and convince me that "I am worth it" because I already know that I am - every one of us is - we just need to let the walls come down a bit, pray for strength and ask for some assistance.  Gah...makes my head spin thinking how they fool the general public into thinking how extraordinary this TV show is. 

What is extraordinary?  Other clients I see at Fitness Together coming in several times a week commited to making a change for themselves.  People who trudge in and get on the elliptical or treadmill or bike and sweat it out - those are the ones who really desire to make a change.  And the amazing thing is that my trainers at FT really seem to understand the "real world" aspect of losing weight and becoming healthier from the inside out - they have been able to help me understand the process - that it's the combination strength training, cardio, and nutrition.  Sure, I have a desire to be accountable to myself, but when I have my trainers and friends - Ryan X2, Aren, Jon, Catherine, Nick, Myra -  who really seem to have a vested interest in my success - that really helps to push and motivate me and keep me accountable even more-so.  They always seem to know when I need a little extra encouragment or words of wisdom when I'm feeling a little(or a lot) lost.  And that to me is so amazing. I believe it is beyond crucial to set up a support system if you want to succeed.  A friend of mine (thanks Dave) once told me, "If you want to be successful, position yourself around successful people."  I believe a higher power put me on the path to where I am now - where I can strive to be as successful as those around me.  What a blessing, hey?!  Now I'm in a place where I feel like I want to, no I have to try and help others.  I know what is't like to be 500+ pounds - physically, mentally - I know how exhausting that is.  And if I can help one person out there, then I'll be happy.

So, I guess to sum things up, if you need help, ask for it - but, ask the right people. Find people you can relate to, and that can relate to you.  Don't look for the "quick-fix" - nothing in life is easy -  And I've learned that nothing that matters comes easy, nothing that comes easy ever really matters.  Good things take work, desire and commitment - are you ready to make that commitment to yourself?  Look within yourself - when the time is right you'll know - and you'll be ready.

Love & Stuff -
Tommy

Good morning! It's been busy lately - a full post is coming tomorrow - stay tuned.

love & stuff,

Tommy

Good afternoon!!!

One of my trainers, Ryan Holtzman, at Fitness Together has talked me into doing another 5K run! On Sunday, September 23rd Ryan's team & I will be running in another 5K run downtown - The Komen Milwaukee Race for the Cure to benefit breast cancer research and community outreach programs.  This run is very close to Ryan - he lost his mother to breast cancer.

Here's a link to the event:

Koman Race For A Cure - Home Page

ace for the Cure is Komen's most highly visible and successful awareness and fundraising programs. Of the money raised for this event, 75% of the funds remain in southeastern Wisconsin to support breast cancer education, screening and treatment. Your involvement directly impacts your community.

The Race can be an emotional and exhilarating event, providing individuals and families an opportunity to remember those who have lost their lives to breast cancer, support those currently living with cancer and celebrate with those who have survived.

Join me in my efforts to support Komen Milwaukee Race for the Cure® and in memory of Ryan's mom, Patti Martin! You can click on the link below to donate to the cause.  Our team is so close to meeting our goal - you can help us meet and exceed our goal!!!

Koman Race For A Cure - Donation Page

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thanks to everyone for your upport & encouragement - I appreciate it more than you will ever know!
Thanks again -
Tommy Riewe

From Left to Right: Me, Aren, and Ryan Holtzman @ The Storm the Bastille 5K

Ok, so it's been an interesting few weeks since my over-eating post...I just came off of a 10-day stretch where the band played every day - that was more tiring to me mentally than physically.  The heat, or more-so the humidity of that week of playing in a tent at the back of the State Fair was very draining - I made sure to replenish fluids - although, I probably drank more diet coke than water...I was surprised that at the end of the 10 days, my legs were feeling pretty good.  I was worried about the cramping I've been dealing with due to the varicose vein in my right leg.  There was only one night where I had one of those ceramps, but it went away quickly.  A couple of other days, my shins cramped while I slept...that sucked, but I made it through.  I think my fingertips hurt more at the end of the week than did anything else.  I still managed to make it in to Fitness Together for 2 sessions that week....no additional cardio though.  I didn't feel too guilty about that because when the band performed, we performed HARD.  I jumped around, ran, climbed on tables....definitely kept the energy level high. 

As far as food goes at the fair, i think I did fairly well....Ha...."fairly"....I crack myself up sometimes....My diet mainly consisted of MANY grilled chicked sammiches from Brew City and big pretzels from the guy across the street.  I endulged one day and got some cinnamon almonds...those are just soooo dang good. 

I've still been sturggling daily with food/calories/nutrition/ over-eating....It's frustrating, but I try to tell myself just take it one day at a time....I've come a long way and I know what to do to take it off and keep it off.  I just need to get to the root of the problem and figure out what it is in my head that is leading me to this addiction.  I started seeing a new therapist to try and tackle some of these issues, and I seem pretty receptive to the ideas she has.  We're going to start next week with trying to confront some of the demons from my childhood.  I am a little nervous, as she said sometimes it can be very emotionally draining and can be like re-living the emotions and feelings - but when all is said and done, you can leave the physical reponse behind when thinking about those events.  I can't wait.  I want so badly to be healed and feel like a whole person, deserving of good things.  Self-loathing, doubt, self-pity and depression is a sucky place to be.  Especially when, looking at mty life with clear eyes, I have things pretty damn good.  I just need to clear out the mind-garbage and realize that I am not what I was - I am a new man, and I want my attitude to reflect that.  I'm hoping that my therapist can bring a wrecking ball into my head and knock down the walls that time and pain and frustration have built.  They're some pretty strong walls, thick with mortar made of hurt, and pain and suffering....But I want to confront it all and bring in that wrecking ball.  Bring it on!!!

I ate excessively last night too....not a ton of food, but enough where I know it was a reaction to stress and perhaps boredom.  My gramps is back in the hospital - his dementia is pretty bad, and he has Pneumonia and an infection in his ears.  I feel so bad for him - I wish I could take some of his pain away.  Last night the nurses had to move him to a gurnee to take him for x-rays.  When they tried to lift him, he moaned and said, "Awww, come on...I'm beat up enough...."  The sound of his voice broke my heart.  It's so hard seeing his health decline everytime I see him.  I asked him if he knew who I was, and he said, "You're Thomas' friend...."  <sigh>  I'm hoping he gets better soon....it's disheartening when your "dad" doesn't know who you are.  That makes me want to eat just thinking about it.  Damn food. Or, better yet, damn brain - it's not the foods fault - I have to take the blame for putting it into my mouth.  But, I digress.

I've been a little lax on the cardio too....I've been using the run at State Fair as my excuse, but I think I know the truth...I've just been lazy....I need to get off my tuckus and out of bed in the mornings and just do it.  I know I can, I know I will.  It's a matter of doing what's best for me....

Well, I think that's about it for now....I have two gigs this weekend - one at Miller Park for 102.9 the Hog and one on Sunday at Zoo Ala Carte....should be fun stuff.  Come on out if you get the chance - www.76juliet.com -   If I don't see ya, make it a great weekend -

love & Stuff,

Tommy

Howdy - This has been a post a long time coming, and it isn't been easy trying to get the, errr....courage to write this.  But, I'm at a point where what I am dealing with is not only efefcting me, but the people around me that I care so deeply about. This post isn't an option, it's a complete necessity. 

For the last few months, I have been desparately trying to confront a problem of mine - and it's been so difficult, and I am now realizing that I can't do it myself - I need the help of my family and friends and any lurkers that may be out there reading my blog.  I have been dealing with the issue of compulsive overeating, and "binging" on certain foods - and the crazy thing is a lot of the time I am not even sure why I do it....I'll find myself in the kitchen at three in the morning - or eating in my car in secret - or, because I have gotten so good at sneaking food, I can sneak-eat right in front of people.  This affliction is killing my spirit, and I'm struggling which way to turn.  I've been doing a lot of reading on the topic, but haven't been having much success curtailing the urge to eat.  I have attended O.A. - Over-eaters Anonymous meeetings, but haven't been working the program, so that hasn't been helping either.  I try so dilligently to keep a food accountability journal, but find myself stopping from recording what I eat daily when I have a binge or have trouble with a certain food.

Certain Foods trigger my problems.

The thing I've realized is that there are foods I crave - and foods that trigger the binging response from me.  And sometimes it's foods that I don't know why I can't stop eating them. Trail mix, Granola bars, protien bars, popcorn, pretzels, bread, green beans....

It's just so hard for me - there have been days I have eaten Tums antacids to satisfy my craving..Sometimes I eat and I don't know why - it's as if I have no control over what grip the food has on me.  This past week, I found myself, not necessarily stressed or sad or whatever - just kind of OK, and I found myself eating in secret kudos granola bars (which we all know is just candy in a fance wrapper).  I had so many of those this past week, thinking about it makes me sick and ashamed of myself.  The weirdest thing is I can remember that while I was eating them, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I couldn't stop it.  I was totally out of control and that scares me.  It's so f*cking stupid that I do this stuff - Why Do I keep doing this?

From what I can remember this behavior has always been in my life - I can recall doing this when I was a kid.  I can think of times I would get up early before my Grandma and Grandpa woke up so I could eat an entire package of cookies (fudge sticks were my favorite) and then hide the packaging at the bottom of the garbage bag so that they wouldn't know.  I can remember times where I would take food into the bathroom of my Aunt's house and eat it so that no one would see me do it.  I can think back to HIgh School and going to parties where I would sneak back downstairs to eat more of the foods that were making me fatter and more miserable every single day.  There must have been THOUSANDS of times I've done this in the 35 years I've been alive.  I could tell you stories of fast food binges that would make you sick and give you a stomach ache just thinking about it - eating $15 worth of McDonalds in my car, and then going home and eating a meal that was prepared for me.  It's crazy the amount of food I was eating my entire life.  Damnit, can't stuff just be easy? I dunno what to think sometimes.....

And, it doesn't make sense to me, why, when I am thisclose to reaching my long-term goal (at this point about 19 pounds away), that I am seemingly sabbotaging myself by binging.  I know what foods to eat, and when to eat, and what quantities I should be eating.  I'd like to think that I am pretty knowledgable about diet and nutrition - I have so many calorie counts memorized on so many different foods - why do I feel the need to sneak-eat pop-tarts and candy and gum?  I know that stuff is junk and is POISON to me and my body.  I never want to be back where I was 2 years ago - I would be as bold as to say that I would rather die that have to go back to living in a 557 pound body.  I have come to love and appreciate the new me....Now if I could only change the way I view food, and the grasp that food has on me....It just leaves me feeling so hopeless sometimes....How am I ever going to get through this? How can I stop this from effecting the people I love? How can I do this NOW?  I don't want to wait until I'm gaining weight again - I want to nip this in the bud now....So I don't have to think about food and have food consume my thoughts on a daily basis.  That's what's eating me....What's eating you?

I think there will be many more posts about my struggle with over-eating and binging.  I am hoping that getting this out of head and onto the screen will hopefully free me from some of these demons.  I am praying that writing about this can bring me some peace of mind, bring me some hope again - I want desparately to figure this out - I want to be happy.  Truly happy with no faking or pretense. 

Pray that I will be, and can be happy. I can use all the positivity that I can get at this point.  I want to beat this.

Thanks for reading - knowing that someone out there is reading this really seems to help me.  Thank you.

love and patience,

Tommy

Last night was the Bastille run - my 2nd, and it went pretty well.  I beat my time from last year by almost 4 minutes....I finished in 34:23 - and, more importantly, I ran the whole route, no stopping or walking!!! Yay me!  I didn't think I could make it, especially up the final 4 blocks - which were all uphill, but I had Ryan cheering me on running with me.  Thanks Ryan - you and everyone at Fitness Together consistently get me to push myself to do my best - and better than I ever thought I could do.

I have some pics to share (thanks to Vicki & Paul), so let's get to 'em:

Vicki & I before the race

Here I am with Aren & Ryan from Fitness Together

Ryan from Fitness Together & I after the run - 34:23 baby!!!!

Me & my friend Laura before the race

Vicki missed the actual finish, so here is a re-enactment - I wasn't smiling nearly as much the first time...I was just trying to breathe!!! lol

Well, that's about it for now - I s'pose I should go do something productive. Now I have next years run to look forward to - Whoo hoo!!!

Thanks to everyone who cheered me on and believed that I could do this - Vicki, Laura, Everyone at FT, my family - much love to all of you!!!

love & stuff,

Tommy

Here's a story I saw on Yahoo....Kind of sad, as it makes me think about my childhood.  

I'll write more tomorrow - I'm running the Storm The Bastille run tonight...Wish me luck!!!  Boy did I pick the wrong day to quit drinking diet soda & caffeine.....Gah.  I may have to break down and have a diet coke.....

Overweight kids face widespread stigma

July 12, 2007 12:54:45 AM PST

Bored, but not motivated enough to write a whole lot.....I'm battling a sinus infection & bronchitis...The BEST thing to deal with the day before a gig at Summerfest! Wish me luck tomorrow!

What were you doing 10 years ago?

10 years ago, I was 25.....My 20's are a blur to be honest.....I think I was either unloading a semi at work, Practicing my guitar or eating.....that's what consumed my time back then.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

One year ago I was trying to get my sh*t together, and I was getting to know the woman who is now my fiancee.

Five snacks You Enjoy:

1. Popcorm

2. Hummus on Fresh Veggies

3. Yogurt

4. Pretzels

5. Fruit

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

1. Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

2. Beverly Hills - Weezer

3. Ice, Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice (sorry, but it's true)

4. Your Love - The Outfield

5. Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benetar

Five things you would do if you were a Millionaire:

1. Invest, Invest, Invest

2. Pay off my student loans/old debt

3. Buy a new used car (I may be a millionaire, but I'd still be practical)

4. Put air conditioning in my church

5. Buy a big house with at least 4 bedrooms, 2 offices, and 3 bathrooms.

Five Bad Habits:

1. Not good at starting/maintaining conversations

2. Being way too hard on myself

3. Battles with food and over-eating

4. Being Stubborn

5. Internalize seemingly EVERYTHING negative

Five Things You Like Doing:

1. Working out

2. Playing in the band/playing the guitar

3. Watching movies

4. Watching live bands

5. Spending time with Vicki

Five Things You'll Never Wear Again:

1. Everything in my closet from the last 33 years.

2. A mullet. *shiver* Scary bad times.

3. Black shoes with White Socks

4. My "Michael Jackson's #1 Fan" button - I was young, what can I say?!

5. Drakkar cologne

Five Favourite "toys":

1. My Guitar

2. iPod

3. My Computer

4. My new "Eddie Van Halen" MXR Phase 90 pedal

5. My CD collection - does that count as a toy?

love & stuff,

Tommy

Hmmph.  It'salwaysomething isn't it?!

1.  I weighed in today - the scale read 279!! I thought fo sho that it was going to be a gain, but I'll take a 9 pound loss in 2 weeks.    I guess the food accountability journal and doing a ton of cardio is doing the trick.  It feels good to be past the last (ha hah...that rhymed) plateau.

2.  I got a letter back from my insurance company about my body sculpturing surgery (skin removal) that I was denied for and wrote an appeal letter for.  I had documentation from my Doctors, a letter from Fitness together and a 3 page letter from me.  Well, I have been DENIED again.  F*ckers.  I guess I go into 2nd level appeals now.  Time to get out the 'ol pen and write another letter.  I haven't even begun to fight, so they better watch out if they know what's good for 'em. 

3.  I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and Internment on Saturday up north.  My mom passed away after a short battle with cancer.  She went peacefully, and that is a blessing considering all of the pain she was in.  I'm thinking she's up in heaven with my Grandma looking down on all of us....I'm glad I was able to mend some fences with her in the past years.  When I went to see her in the hospital last time she was down here, she had just been diagnosed with the big "C".  We talked for a bit, and I think I helped to put her mind at ease about some perphial issues that she was dealing with.  I am happy that I was able to make her happy that way before she passed away. 

I don't know....maybe I'll write more next week, but for now, I think I'm going to go get cleaned up, head over to Templeton Middle School for Emily's completion ceremony, and try to have some fun.

Try and have a great weekend - Make it a great day - all the other options other than that just kinda suck.

love and stuff,

Tommy

I went to the vein doctor today..And first the good news...They weighed me, and that was the first time I weighed in over a week....I was very happy at the results today....287 pounds (with clothes, no shoes)!!!!!  Whoo hooO!!!!! All the extra cardio and writing everything in my food journal has been working....

Ao, total now, I've lost 270 pounds!! 

• I am 8 pounds away from having lost 1/2 of my body weight
• I am only 27 pounds away from reaching my original long-term goal that I set for myself in Sept of 2005!!!!

All this is 21 months, without magic pills, or gastric bypass, or any kind of surgery.  Just a lot of hard work and determination.....

If I can do it, anyone can do it!!!

And now for the not so good news.....I've been having some excrutiatingly painful cramps in the varicose veins in my right leg....Cripling almost...When I get these cramps I can't move...I honestly don't know which way to turn.  So, I decided to take advantage of having insurance and get it checked out.

Well, the doc looked me over and said that the insurance companies reuire us to try a compression stocking before they will approve any surgery.  <sigh>  So, something that is a "crutch", not a permanat fix is all they will do for me. Grrrr......What is with all the freakin' red tape and hoops that I have to jump through to try and improve my quality of life?!  I'm tired of the people who take advatage of the insurance systems and ruin it for hard working people like me. I'm getting penalized for the actions of selfish, indignant morons. 

When do I get my day in the freakin' sun?!  Hmm?! 

Ok, gotta take a deep breath and calm down.  Patience is a virtue and I need to try and be virtuous.  Everything will happen in the time that the good Lord sees fit....If it's meant to happen, it will.

I wish I was more patient.  Time to pray and think positive thoughts. 

That's it for now -

Adios!

Tommy