I've decided for a fresh start in 2010 - Moving my blog to blogger -
If you're interested, click the link; if not, thanks for reading!
I’ve been trying to figure out why I eat like I do.
I want to fix that so I can be healthy and happy for me.
I don’t want to be limited or held back because of my weight.
I want to shop at normal stores again.
I want to try new things.
I just want to live a better life.
I want to get out of my head and lose my obsession with eating and food.
I just want to live.
I'm desparately waiting and holding on.
I feel lost in my head most days.
One moment at a time.....that's all I can do
Ok, well, it's not Christmas yet but it's almost here.....13 more days! Crazy isn't it...where does the time go? I still have to do my Christmas shopping.....not even sure what I'm buying for anyone yet....or where the money is coming from but it'll all work out. Somehow.
Before I start in on the meat and potatoes (mmmm....potatoes ), I want to take a sec and thank everyone who wrote to me in reply to my last few posts. I appreciate your love, concern, support and friendship. It's amazing that there are people who still reach out and care in this day and age - in a time of economic hardship and struggles all around it's truly a blessing to me that you took the time to read about the struggles I'm going through and write to me about it. Thank you!
I've still been having a tough time with most of the things I've been dealing with. The weight goes up and down like a yo yo and I know that isn't healthy for me or my heart. it still amazes me how my body can change in just a matter of a few days....it's CRAZY frustrating. That I can go up or down 10-12 pounds in a WEEK is crazy to me. And I can see how bad episodes with food make that happen. Trust me, I don't want it to happen.....but a lot of it seems out of my control.....same old story...but one day at a time I feel like I'm getting a better understanding of what the triggers are that set me off and that's a good thing. Now, I need to try and divert my attentions elsewhere.
I just watched a story on CNN.com today about a guy from Milwaukee who went to China to lose weight.
Here's the link to the story if you are interested:http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/2008/12/11/vause.china.extreme.weight.cn
He topped the scales at 600+ pounds and has already lost 200 pounds. He held up his pants from when he first got to the weight loss facility and they had a 72" waist. I was like wow, and then it hit me....That's what I was at my heaviest.....double wow. Even though I'm struggling, I'm still better off that I was 3 years ago...Amazing. I listen to him talk and wonder where his "fire" comes from. I want to light that flame inside of me again - the one that shone so bright for the first two years I was on my road to recovery. I was dedicated. I was motivated. I was driven. I was on the way to loving myself.....and somehow I got derailed and the light of my fire grew dim.
The good news is that the light is only dim...it hasn't burned out. I still make it to Fitness Together 4-5 days a week, and do as much cardio as I can. My trainer Stef is awesome.....she kicks my ass everytime I work with her....and the amazing thing is she hasn't lost faith in me yet. I feel like I'm letting her down that I'm not succeeding and showing better results. I want to thank her for her support and guidance. She's doing a wonderful job...totally keeping up her end of our partnership. Now it's my turn to do my part. The lack of results and the back-sliding is my fault and a product of whatever it is that's going on inside my head and heart.
So, I need to get that fire back burning bright.....and I'm dedicating myself to finding that fire. I have been feeling a bit better even in the face of everything I am battling with. I still have a TON of stress in my life, but I also need to remind myself that I have a TON of good things in my life.
I have an awesome family that I love dearly, I have the love of some of the best friends a guy could ask for, a great job, I play in two bands with my closest friends.....I have a snowblower that actually worked the past two weeks....I have food for the family.....I have a car to get me where I need to go....I have gas in the tank.....I have oil in the furnace....I have everyone at Fitness Together.....I have an incredible support system in place...
I have hope - Even though this blog can be somewhat dark, I seriously do.....I have hope that somehow I will get through this and be the man I want to be.
And last but definitely not least I have a God that has provided for me and made sure that I can get by and survive....I just need to remember it's like that footprints poem....when things are the roughest and I feel like I'm all alone, God is carrying me through all of this.....I just need to keep the faith that he will provide and everything will be ok. My life is going according to his plan and timeline, not mine.
So what is the catalyst gonna be to get me through this? Haven't quite figured that out. But, the important thing I think, is that I honestly BELIEVE that I am going to get through this. With help and faith and love, I know I can. Today you can color me cautiously optimistic.....I'm feeling alright and pretty happy with that.
Love and Stuff,
ps - I miss you Gramps. A lot.
Ok, so I'm back.
With good news, not so good news and everything in-between.
So, why such a long vacation from the blog-o-sphere?
Well, there are a number of reasons.
In no particular order:
1. I bought a house.
This has been one of the biggest most frustrating learning experiences of my life. I mean, I love having a place to call my own, and it's great to have a place to call "home", but oh lord, I had no idea what I was in store for when I purchased a house. It's nothing but money. and work. and money. and more money. and even more money. So, what exactly have I learned?
A. I've learned that there's a lot of detail to check when buying a house. If the foundation is bad or the floor is wet, run like hell
B. I've learned that even though they are cute, chipmunks are annoying destructive horrible rodents. I have enjoyed ridding my property of them.
C. I've learned that running a dehumidifier will make your electric bill go sky-high
D. I've learned that sitting on the front porch while storms roll in in relaxing
E. I've learned that road construction sucks even more when it right in front of your house. I can't park in my driveway, I won't have mail delivery until after Thanksgiving.
F. I've learned that I love having band practice at my house - even if it is cramped in my little over-stuffed garage
G. I've learned that I love having people over for BBQ's on my back patio.
H. I've learned that having a riding lawn mower that doesn't work SUCKS when you have almost an acre out back to cut. Gotta love the push mower.
I. I've learned how to use a chainsaw, install a door knob, set up a tent, operate a water softener
J. I've learned that I despise well water. It is the worst thing ever. It smells so bad. Yuck.
2. I bought a new-used car - a 2005 Saturn Ion. Thanks to my cousin Curt, I got a GREAT deal, though the monthly payments are a little higher than I wanted to pay. This is the first time I've had to make car payments EVER. My other car, the 1995 Olds died on me - transmission went out, and quit running on my way to trade it in. Well, it didn't die completely- It was still drive-able in reverse only. I didn't want to risk trying to drive backwards all the way to brown deer, so I abandoned it in a church parking lot. Ahhh, I'll miss that car. Ok, not so much.
3. The biggest reason I haven't blogged? Well, actually, it's because I've fallen off the wagon and fallen hard. I've gained a bunch of weight back, and am super frustrated about my food and eating. I am a total emotional eater, and the stress of my life has taken a toll on my will-power where it comes to food. I don't know why I do it either - I mean, eating does NOT make me happy. I end up beating myself up so bad mentally about beating myself up physically. I can't believe that I cannot fit into clothes that I was wearing less than a year ago. My downfall started right around Thanksgiving of last year - I was at the lowest weight I had been at ever, my clothes were fitting great, and I was on top of the world - or so I thought.
Slowly but surely, the pounds have been coming back on. It kills me to have to buy bigger clothes. It kills me that the clothes I wore comfortably don't even come close to fitting anymore.
You know, I don't want to be where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out just what went wrong - where my eating and working out took a left turn and I turned right. I keep trying to put the pieces of this big puzzle together to figure it out, and sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't.
I mean, I believe my downfall started shortly after my grandfather passed away. He was my hero - and it killed me to lose him. I miss him so much - not sure if that will ever stop. I want so badly to pick up the phone and hear his voice again - I want to hear him ask me how the car is running, or if I'm wearing my jacket. I miss even just being in the same room with him when he was incoherent. I miss holding his hand and talking about my day. I miss watching cooking shows with him, or working on a lego train. I miss going to dinner with him. I just miss him. Everyday.
I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life, but that was the worst.
Then I went on vacation in December and was a little too loose with my diet. It was my first vacation in forever, and I totally cut loose....food, drinks, drinks, drinks....did I mention drinks? It was a fun week. I don't think I even worried about money which was a first.
Then I got back and gave in to the temptation of the holidays. Then food became a friend to me when I was stressed out about money, or family or whatever. I almost feel like I'm trying to fill a void within me with food. And then sometimes I have thoughts if I am doing it because I don't feel secure - like part of me is scared that I'm not going to have money for food and eat everything I can to make myself feel like I have enough "in storage".
And then I know that I eat to cover up feelings of guilt - I feel guilty that my family is struggling with money and I can't give them everything they want and deserve; I feel guilty that I promised Emily we would have a room built in the basement for her, and now the basement issues and lack of money are making that hard to do; I feel guilty that I'm not the man I need to be for Vicki; I feel guilty that I can't do it all and be everything to everyone; I feel guilty that I have to work so hard and be gone all the time in order to bring home what money I can.
Everything these days seems to be about money and it drives me crazy. I am trying so hard to better myself and get in a better position financially, but I always seem to end up caught behind the 8-ball.
Err...derailed thought sorry......Food. Eating. Hell. I mean, it's to a point now where I don't even know what to do. I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm full, when I'm happy, when I'm sad.....hell, I'll eat at just about anytime. And I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE.
It's been killing me to see the scale go up, up, up, up. I had to break into the totes of my bigger sized clothes yesterday. And as I was going through them I found several pairs of pants and shirts from when I was at my biggest. I held them up and couldn't believe it. I almost cried, but then I would have had to explain at home what was wrong. I don't want to be that size ever again. Even now it's hurting me to be as big as I've gotten again.
The most frustrating thing is that I know what I have to do to lose the weight. I have the knowledge in my brain - Fitness Together did a great thing by filling me full of all this knowledge. But, there's something in me that totally sabotages my will-power. I can't figure out how I was doing so good for so long. Now, I can't just seem to do it. Fuck. There I said it. Fuck fuck fuck.
I know that:
Weight Loss = More calories out vs. Calories In
I know that:
Whole unprocessed foods are good for me -
I know that:
Exercise is crucial - I need to get back on the horse. I've been still doing 1-2 training sessons a week, but have been inconsistent with my cardio. I haven't been moving like I should.
It's a horrible feeling to put on your pants and have them be so tight that the white liner of your pockets show. I can't believe I can't wear the sweatshirt that I bought last December in the Bahamas. I hate that I can't jump around on stage like I used to do.
It bothers me that my confidence level has also dropped as well. I just don't feel as confident as far as anything goes - work, band, relationships, friendships......everything is impacted.
So, with all the bad stuff that comes with the weight and how it affects me, why can't I stop eating and start exercising?
Have any ideas fro me? Go back to OA? Wire my mouth shut? Try therapy again? Meditate? Go back to church? Pray?
This is why I haven't blogged - embarassment, shame, self-absorption......it's been bad.
But I want to find a way to dig myself out of this ditch before it becomes a hole I can't claw my way out of.
I need help, but not sure where to turn.
God help me.
love & stuff,
I'm here - still pushing. They say it's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up.
I'm trying to get back up. Again.
More later -
Ok, so this has been a pretty wild roller-coaster of a ride the last few months - since the death of Gramps, actually. I've been shaken up, but through it all I still remain confident that I can make it through....eventually. I need to remember everyday that I am a work in progress...and this journey will never end....I will never get to a point where I am the "perfect" weight and I can just sit back and get lazy or complacent. This has been a lifestyle change for me....and a daily effort to understand why I do the things I do. Most days, I have no idea why I can't resist the foods that I don not need to be eating. It's a shame, I've come so far in this process and I seem to be sabotaging myself. Frustrating.
I've tried journaling and that hasn't helped much at all....trying to write when I want to eat to figure out the why behind it. I don't know....This blog has been helpful for me, when I can keep up with writing in it. I know the times I need to write are those when I don't feel like writing, because when I write in this blog I tell the TRUTH. It's easy to not write and lie to myself. But this blog keeps me HONEST. It's a good thing and something I would recommend to anyone....Even if you start a blog and keep it private, it would be better than nothing. To be truthful, when I think about blogging, it's kind of weird...sharing this much of myself with everyone and anyone who wants to take the time to read. Baring your soul to strangers is in a way cathartic....Feeling like the things I write about can be relatable to others....And from some comments I've received, I know that's true...Comments from friends - old and new - even comments from complete strangers. In this bizarre world of weight loss and the psychology behind writing is essential...
I think I need to set some new "mini" goals and keep track of my progress here.....It's easy to say, "Well, I'm not gonna (insert behavior here)" but to write it down and hold yourself fully accountable - that's the kick in the ass that I need.
Here's the list of
Here is a list of behaviors that I WILL change:
Here is a list of workout goals I WILL reach:
Here are some weight-loss goals I WILL reach:
Wow - that's quite the list, hey? I think I've needed to Accentuate the positive and the things that I WILL get done for a long time now.....
What WILL you do for yourself today to make sure you get to where you want to be? There's only one life - Live it to the fullest and make it be everything that you want it to be - YOU are worth it, and so am I.
Love and Stuff,
in the seemingly never-ending story of over-eating, I tripped and fell hard today. dammit, it pisses me off so much that i just cant seem to get a hold of my emotional eating. i got some tough news friday night and i was ok up until i got up to go to the bathroom at 12:30am....I remember crawling back into bed at around 1:05am, right after having an ungodly amount of honey nut cheerios, milk, and assorted chocloates.
the eating cintinued all morning with pancakes and syrup, a couple of popsicles, various other crap that i didn't need...........
around 1:30pm i had the worst headache i've had in a long time - and i still have it. tylenol isn't helping at all. i guess that could be attributed to a sugar overload....my intestinal tract has been in knots all day too. all in all i just feel like crap. i feel like the shit i ate today - mindless and worthless. grrrrr.
why do i do this to myself over, and over again?! dammit all anyhow.
dangit, and i was so determinted on friday morning. i know it's right back on the track and i need to do what i need to do.
ok, i have to go to my gig...maybe a couple of drinks will help. <sigh>
anyone have some words of encouragement? lord know i need it.
thanks for listening - if anyone is out there.
love & stuff,
I enjoy reading - honestly I do. All kinds of books - fiction, self-help, cookbooks, biographies, magazines, religious, new-age...you name it I love to read it....Well, to be honest, lately it seems like I enjoy buying books more than I do actually reading them. I have a stack of books at home that I want to dive into. Hmm....When and where am I going to find the time to do that?! I've been carrying the same two books in my work bag for a month now and haven't really cracked either one. I have a stack of books in my desk at work that I intend on reading. I have a bookshelf full of books at home that I want to read as well. I think I need to stop buying books, and read the ones I have.
What books do I want to read - Here's a few:
The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
The New Earth - Eckhart Tolle
Losing It - Valerie Bertinelli
Food & Mood - Elizabeth Somer
Clapton's Guitar - Allen St. John
The Secret Things of God - Dr. Henry Cloud
Rich Dad, Poor Dad - ?
The Bible - God
I tried diving into one book last week - The Oprah bookclub pick of the month, Eckhardt Tolle's The New Earth. it seems lime it should be a great read. But, much like everything else, my attention span seems so limited lately that I find myself reading the same page two or three times. I just get distracted so easily....My mind has a tendency to wander - I feel as if I lack focus in many areas of my life. That's something I have been trying to improve upon.
I've even tried books on CD and my mind still wanders. Grrr.....
I've been trying to work on my focus - and that's been difficult. I have been having trouble staying in "the now". I'm constantly thinking about what I need to be doing, or what I have to do the following day, or chores, or work, or working out, or relationship stuff, or money or....well, you get the idea - you name it, and I'm probably thinking about it....all within the same 5 minute period.
I want my mind to be still....to be in the moment....to just "be". That is so much harder than I ever thought it could be. It's like I'm not doing justice to whatever task is at hand because I'm always thinking about the next thing and the next thing.
I know this doesn't have much to do with fitness/diet....but then again maybe it does.....I have realized this past week as I am on the elliptical of in a session, that I need to be present and think about what I am doing. It's easy to get on the elliptical and simply go through the motions, content to do exactly what I did the day before, and the day before, and the day before that.
Yesterday, I figured out that even though I am going into FT everyday for cardio, I'm not making the most of my time there. If I am going to devote 20 to 25 minutes a day to cardio, I need to make it the best 25 ass-busting minutes of cardio that I can do. I think my results have been stalled because I have lost the focus - the drive to get things done and done right. (Well, the lack of focus and the over-eating stuff too, but they go hand-in-hand, I think).
One of my new goals, is that when I get to FT in the morning, I want to attack my cardio with a renewed spirit. I don't want to settle for putting forth the minimum amount of effort. I know that what I get out of workouts is hugely based on what I put into them. I need to work harder, sweat more, become more intense...more focused....The quality of my life depends on it.
I've come too far in my journey....And although it seems like I've reached a brick wall, there's good news....The good news is that I know that because of the knowledge I have gained at Fitness Together though great trainers and friends, I have the tools need to get through, or over that damn wall.
I'm not giving up - I have a lot of fight in me, and I'm ready to break down that freakin' wall....One day and one brick at a time if need be.
Love and stuff -
So, I've been putting off writing in this thing for a while, so I guess it's time to get back to work.
It's been an interesting time as of late - food is still a huge issue with me, and I've come to the conclusion that it is always going to be in one way or another. So, somehow I need to find, or better yer make some peace with food. I know that it is possible because there are days where it has seemingly no control over me, and then there's the other times where I am a slave to the obsessive thoughts.
Like the rest of my life, I need to seek balance in this. Talking to a therapist has helped a lot with that - and now that I've met my medical deductible, I can start going back more regularily. The last session I had we did a form of therapy called EMDR (look it up on line - it'd be easier to do that than for me to try and explain it. Long story short, after one session I felt less guilt about some of my binge eataing and the feelings of worthlessness diminished as well. It amazed me how it worked....I was skeptical at first, but after that one session I am hopefull. I have another appointment in 2 weeks, so hopefully that will help my continue on the path to wellness. One. Day. At. A. Time.
I've had some other medical stuff I'm dealing with too - and through a barrage of expensive tests I have found out there's nothing seriously wrong. That was such a relief - that the issues I was having can be controlled with medication. I'll take the dry mouth side-effect over the other issue any day.
I'm starting to feel my age....realizing that I have become dependant on so many different meds now....But, I suppose if they help, it's ok, right?!
The band has been going really well....better than I could have ever expected...We got a new singer - Kelly and a new rhythm guitarist - Nick, and I have to admit, it's been fun playing out again. We switched booking agencies and our schedule is filling up nicely. We have some shows lined up that I am really looking forward to. Now, I don't look at the band as a purely money making thing, but I tend to look at it as a vehicle to express myself and have some fun playing music with some great friends. I am so lucky to be in a band with this group of people. It's nice that things are looking up for 76 Juliet.
I went to a concert in Madison this past Sunday night with Ethan, Vicki's son, and at first I was like, oh man, what have I gotten myself into? We pulled up and it was at the Madison Teen Center - mad, did I feel old. But we got in and secured a spot so we both could see....and I have to tell you, I was pleasantly surprised - the bands were actually really, really good....Poppy emo-rock stuff, but really well done.....My favorite band of the night was called Automatic Loveletter - I haven't stopped listening to the CD that I picked up there. The other bands I liked were Making April & Secondhand Serenade. Google 'em, or look for them on MySpace - you won't be sorry. Great music.
And the whole indie-music, original band scene really got me thinking - I want to get back to writing my own songs and recording them. I've been feeling an urge to do that for some time. Now I need to find some time to do it. I want to put a CD out - not because I want to famous or because I want to be a rock star; I want to have something out there that I can say came from me - I dunno, I guess I've been in a bit of an intro-spective kind of mood lately. I feel like I have some songs in me that I need to let out - but as with many things, getting started is the hardest part.
I have been pretty good with making it in to Fitness Together for my cardio and training - I've been doing 25 minutes a day on the elliptical or treadmill. I have to say this here - I cannot wait for spring....I definitely have some cabin fever going on.....I want to be able to run outside without 4 layers of clothes on. I am looking forward to feeling the sun on my face and the sweat on my brow as I run along the lakefront. God, I miss that. Spring, where are you?
Weigh-in's on the other hand haven't been so inspiring. I've been trending upwards - and that scares the shit out of me. The last thing I want to do is creep back up - I've worked too hard to get to this point. So, I need to do some tweaking and hopefully find something that will work.....I want to lose 38 pounds - compared to where I've come from, that's a small number, but never before has 38 felt more like 3800. <sigh> I know I'll do it, it's just trying to figure out when I'll have the restaint and self-control to do it.
Oh - I almost forgot - there was a 2 mile fun run back in February in underwood parkway for the Steve Cullen heart run/walk. I particpated in that as a member of team Baird (where I work). It was a brisk morning - ok, it was downright cold, but I survived. And, I was able to run the whole thing - all 2 miles without stopping to walk. I figured that was pretty good seeing as though 1. It was SUPER cold, 2. The terrain was snowy/icy for the majority of the route, & 3. I really haven't done a ton of outdoor running since it's been so cold. I saw a bunch of familiar faces from work there, and it was great to feel the part of such a awesome team of people.
I can't wait for the Bastille run this year. I have to try and beat my time from last year.
The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to pursuing the skin removal surgery and start writing letters to the insurance boards again. I have a hard time reaching out to people for help - I always have. Several friends and aquaintances have been presistent at trying to get me to write a letter and send it to Oprah, Montel, etc.....I guess I can see that I have a good story as far as the weight loss goes, but what makes it unique to other stories out there? I mean, what makes my weight loss story and struggles stand out over other people's stories? I dunno....maybe I'll have to do some soul searching and write that letter. Anyone out there think that's a good idea? I have to get the fight back in me....I want this, but just how bad do I want it? Pretty freakin' bad.
And, I also have felt an urge, dare I call it my calling to help people who are struggling with getting started with weight loss or fitness. Even though I am struggling, I feel like maybe I could be there to help someone get past their fears and inhibitions about making a change in their life. I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but I do have first-hand experience in what it takes to make a change and get the ball rolling. I feel like I want to write a book about my experiences, my struggles, my challenges, my over-coming difficult life-experiences and attacking life. I want to let people know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.....and unlike what I used to believe, that light is not the front of an on-coming train, but it is a light of hope. A light to lead the way to a change for the better. After all, have one trip through this life - and we need to make the best of it and do what we can to make it happen. It's up to us to make the change. Are you up for the challenge?
I know that I may not always seem the most positive guy, but underneath all the negativity I may display, I have a solid foundation based in hope and faith. I trust that everything that happens to us happens for a reason - and that we are never givin anything more than we can handle.
Keep the faith - I know I am:
Love and stuff -