Merry Christmas!

Ok, well, it's not Christmas yet but it's almost here.....13 more days! Crazy isn't it...where does the time go? I still have to do my Christmas shopping.....not even sure what I'm buying for anyone yet....or where the money is coming from but it'll all work out. Somehow.

Before I start in on the meat and potatoes (mmmm....potatoes ), I want to take a sec and thank everyone who wrote to me in reply to my last few posts. I appreciate your love, concern, support and friendship. It's amazing that there are people who still reach out and care in this day and age - in a time of economic hardship and struggles all around it's truly a blessing to me that you took the time to read about the struggles I'm going through and write to me about it. Thank you!

I've still been having a tough time with most of the things I've been dealing with. The weight goes up and down like a yo yo and I know that isn't healthy for me or my heart. it still amazes me how my body can change in just a matter of a few days....it's CRAZY frustrating. That I can go up or down 10-12 pounds in a WEEK is crazy to me. And I can see how bad episodes with food make that happen. Trust me, I don't want it to happen.....but a lot of it seems out of my control.....same old story...but one day at a time I feel like I'm getting a better understanding of what the triggers are that set me off and that's a good thing. Now, I need to try and divert my attentions elsewhere.

I just watched a story on CNN.com today about a guy from Milwaukee who went to China to lose weight.

Here's the link to the story if you are interested:

He topped the scales at 600+ pounds and has already lost 200 pounds. He held up his pants from when he first got to the weight loss facility and they had a 72" waist. I was like wow, and then it hit me....That's what I was at my heaviest.....double wow. Even though I'm struggling, I'm still better off that I was 3 years ago...Amazing. I listen to him talk and wonder where his "fire" comes from. I want to light that flame inside of me again - the one that shone so bright for the first two years I was on my road to recovery. I was dedicated. I was motivated. I was driven. I was on the way to loving myself.....and somehow I got derailed and the light of my fire grew dim.

The good news is that the light is only dim...it hasn't burned out. I still make it to Fitness Together 4-5 days a week, and do as much cardio as I can. My trainer Stef is awesome.....she kicks my ass everytime I work with her....and the amazing thing is she hasn't lost faith in me yet. I feel like I'm letting her down that I'm not succeeding and showing better results. I want to thank her for her support and guidance. She's doing a wonderful job...totally keeping up her end of our partnership. Now it's my turn to do my part. The lack of results and the back-sliding is my fault and a product of whatever it is that's going on inside my head and heart.

So, I need to get that fire back burning bright.....and I'm dedicating myself to finding that fire. I have been feeling a bit better even in the face of everything I am battling with. I still have a TON of stress in my life, but I also need to remind myself that I have a TON of good things in my life.

I have an awesome family that I love dearly, I have the love of some of the best friends a guy could ask for, a great job, I play in two bands with my closest friends.....I have a snowblower that actually worked the past two weeks....I have food for the family.....I have a car to get me where I need to go....I have gas in the tank.....I have oil in the furnace....I have everyone at Fitness Together.....I have an incredible support system in place...

I have hope - Even though this blog can be somewhat dark, I seriously do.....I have hope that somehow I will get through this and be the man I want to be.

And last but definitely not least I have a God that has provided for me and made sure that I can get by and survive....I just need to remember it's like that footprints poem....when things are the roughest and I feel like I'm all alone, God is carrying me through all of this.....I just need to keep the faith that he will provide and everything will be ok. My life is going according to his plan and timeline, not mine.

So what is the catalyst gonna be to get me through this? Haven't quite figured that out. But, the important thing I think, is that I honestly BELIEVE that I am going to get through this. With help and faith and love, I know I can. Today you can color me cautiously optimistic.....I'm feeling alright and pretty happy with that.

Love and Stuff,

ps - I miss you Gramps.  A lot.