Ok, so I'm back.

With good news, not so good news and everything in-between.

So, why such a long vacation from the blog-o-sphere?

Well, there are a number of reasons. 

In no particular order:

1.  I bought a house.

     This has been one of the biggest most frustrating learning experiences of my life.  I mean, I love having a place to call my own, and it's great to have a place to call "home", but oh lord, I had no idea what I was in store for when I purchased a house.  It's nothing but money. and work. and money. and more money. and even more money. So, what exactly have I learned?

 A. I've learned that there's a lot of detail to check when buying a house.  If the foundation is bad or the floor is wet, run like hell

 B. I've learned that even though they are cute, chipmunks are annoying destructive horrible rodents.  I have enjoyed ridding my property of them. 

 C. I've learned that running a dehumidifier will make your electric bill go sky-high

 D. I've learned that sitting on the front porch while storms roll in in relaxing

 E. I've learned that road construction sucks even more when it right in front of your house.  I can't park in my driveway, I won't have mail delivery until after Thanksgiving. 

 F. I've learned that I love having band practice at my house - even if it is cramped in my little over-stuffed garage

 G. I've learned that I love having people over for BBQ's on my back patio.

 H. I've learned that having a riding lawn mower that doesn't work SUCKS when you have almost an acre out back to cut.  Gotta love the push mower. 

 I.  I've learned how to use a chainsaw, install a door knob, set up a tent, operate a water softener

 J. I've learned that I despise well water.  It is the worst thing ever.  It smells so bad.  Yuck.

2.  I bought a new-used car - a  2005 Saturn Ion. Thanks to my cousin Curt, I got a GREAT deal, though the monthly payments are a little higher than I wanted to pay.  This is the first time I've had to make car payments EVER.  My other car, the 1995 Olds died on me - transmission went out, and quit running on my way to trade it in.  Well, it didn't die completely- It was still drive-able in reverse only.  I didn't want to risk trying to drive backwards all the way to brown deer, so I abandoned it in a church parking lot.  Ahhh, I'll miss that car.  Ok, not so much.

3.  The biggest reason I haven't blogged? Well, actually, it's because I've fallen off the wagon and fallen hard.  I've gained a bunch of weight back, and am super frustrated about my food and eating.  I am a total emotional eater, and the stress of my life has taken a toll on my will-power where it comes to food.  I don't know why I do it either - I mean, eating does NOT make me happy.  I end up beating myself up so bad mentally about beating myself up physically.  I can't believe that I cannot fit into clothes that I was wearing less than a year ago.  My downfall started right around Thanksgiving of last year - I was at the lowest weight I had been at ever, my clothes were fitting great, and I was on top of the world - or so I thought.

Slowly but surely, the pounds have been coming back on.  It kills me to have to buy bigger clothes.  It kills me that the clothes I wore comfortably don't even come close to fitting anymore.

You know, I don't want to be where I'm at.  I'm trying to figure out just what went wrong - where my eating and working out took a left turn and I turned right.  I keep trying to put the pieces of this big puzzle together to figure it out, and sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't. 

I mean, I believe my downfall started shortly after my grandfather passed away.  He was my hero - and it killed me to lose him.  I miss him so much - not sure if that will ever stop.  I want so badly to pick up the phone and hear his voice again - I want to hear him ask me how the car is running, or if I'm wearing my jacket.  I miss even just being in the same room with him when he was incoherent.  I miss holding his hand and talking about my day.  I miss watching cooking shows with him, or working on a lego train.  I miss going to dinner with him.  I just miss him.  Everyday. 

I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life, but that was the worst.

Then I went on vacation in December and was a little too loose with my diet.  It was my first vacation in forever, and I totally cut loose....food, drinks, drinks, drinks....did I mention drinks?  It was a fun week. I don't think I even worried about money which was a first.

Then I got back and gave in to the temptation of the holidays.  Then food became a friend to me when I was stressed out about money, or family or whatever.  I almost feel like I'm trying to fill a void within me with food.  And then sometimes I have thoughts if I am doing it because I don't feel secure - like part of me is scared that I'm not going to have money for food and eat everything I can to make myself feel like I have enough "in storage". 

And then I know that I eat to cover up feelings of guilt - I feel guilty that my family is struggling with money and I can't give them everything they want and deserve; I feel guilty that I promised Emily we would have a room built in the basement for her, and now the basement issues and lack of money are making that hard to do; I feel guilty that I'm not the man I need to be for Vicki; I feel guilty that I can't do it all and be everything to everyone; I feel guilty that I have to work so hard and be gone all the time in order to bring home what money I can.

Everything these days seems to be about money and it drives me crazy.  I am trying so hard to better myself and get in a better position financially, but I always seem to end up caught behind the 8-ball.

Err...derailed thought sorry......Food.  Eating.  Hell.  I mean, it's to a point now where I don't even know what to do.  I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm full, when I'm happy, when I'm sad.....hell, I'll eat at just about anytime.  And I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE.

It's been killing me to see the scale go up, up, up, up.  I had to break into the totes of my bigger sized clothes yesterday.  And as I was going through them I found several pairs of pants and shirts from when I was at my biggest.  I held them up and couldn't believe it.  I almost cried, but then I would have had to explain at home what was wrong.  I don't want to be that size ever again.  Even now it's hurting me to be as big as I've gotten again.

The most frustrating thing is that I know what I have to do to lose the weight.  I have the knowledge in my brain - Fitness Together did a great thing by filling me full of all this knowledge.  But, there's something in me that totally sabotages my will-power.  I can't figure out how I was doing so good for so long.  Now, I can't just seem to do it.  Fuck. There I said it. Fuck fuck fuck. 

I know that:

Weight Loss = More calories out vs. Calories In

I know that:

Whole unprocessed foods are good for me -

I know that:

Exercise is crucial - I need to get back on the horse.  I've been still doing 1-2 training sessons a week, but have been inconsistent with my cardio.  I haven't been moving like I should.

It's a horrible feeling to put on your pants and have them be so tight that the white liner of your pockets show.  I can't believe I can't wear the sweatshirt that I bought last December in the Bahamas.  I hate that I can't jump around on stage like I used to do.

It bothers me that my confidence level has also dropped as well.  I just don't feel as confident as far as anything goes - work, band, relationships, friendships......everything is impacted.

So, with all the bad stuff that comes with the weight and how it affects me, why can't I stop eating and start exercising?

Have any ideas fro me? Go back to OA?  Wire my mouth shut? Try therapy again? Meditate? Go back to church?  Pray? 

This is why I haven't blogged - embarassment, shame, self-absorption......it's been bad.

But I want to find a way to dig myself out of this ditch before it becomes a hole I can't claw my way out of.

I need help, but not sure where to turn.

God help me.

love & stuff,

 

 

Hi Babe!

So good to hear from you again. My God what a struggle you are going thru. I've been there too! You are not alone. Don't give in to this. I know you miss your Grandpa but remember that you will see him again someday!. Think of how HE was there all those times for YOU!! Don't you want to live a long healthy life and be there for YOUR grandkids, kids, friends etc. Money is so tight for everybody but I guess all you really can do is focus on what you DO have! Hang in there! Peace & Love Cheri:P:P

Call me dude, miss ya and will help ya out!!! I got ya into this i should help get ya back on track...Call mE!!!! Miss ya hater tot!!!

Tommy,

I will admit this isn't what I wanted to see when I bounced over to your blog, but at the same time, it's been so longe since I was here maybe it's time I was back. I know where you are at with money. TRUST ME, I can't say that enough. I'd love to tell you my stories, but I don't think you need that. Everyone has a sob story, you need a happy story, and a happy place, and a direction to get there. I know you used to keep a journal, have you gotten away from that? Have you considered re-reading it? Maybe that will get you in a positive direction. As for a happy story, we had our son Jayden a few weeks back... That's a happy thing. Another happy thing, is you still have the fire burning in your belly, so change is still there. It's just be smoldered a little. Best thing to get a fire is fresh air, change, and fuel. By writing what you have I believe you gave that fire a little room to breath. To take in some o2 and start burning again. As for fuel, only you can provide that. It can be anger, disappointment, sadness, anything, but it's fuel. USE IT!!! I know you have it in you. The band is still here but most of all the fans and friends are still here. Use us. None of us want to see you fail, and we want to be ther to push you over this speed mountain (bump just didn't sound right)

My phone is always on, if you need to talk, get out, scream, or better yet just have someone to sit and watch a storm with. I posted my e-mail addy, I had to get a new phone drop me a line, or ask the Godfather (Eddie) to get you the number. I hope Kort and I can make it to a show soon. It's always fun to see you guys, and maybe I need some of that fresh air I mentioned earlier as well.

Take Care,

Bill Sorrell

wmsorrell@gmail.com

Tommy,
I'm still out here, struggling with my own struggles, which do not include weight management, but other things, so everyone has his "stuff" to bear. Focus on the good things! I'm glad to see you're back, because coming here and making an entry in my view means you're reaching out for help. Everyone is still out here for you!

Pray, meditate, therapy, mouth wiring, OA? Probably all of the above! How about stomach bypass/stapling surgery?

some stuff that might help are drinking A LOT of water in between meals and when you feel hungery, not eating meat, deep fried foods and avoid having too many sweets. I don't know if you already do that stuff or not or if already tried it or whatever. I'm just giving some ideas. ;)

when you have pizza, take a paper towel or napkin and dab the top of it to get the extra grease off. it'll take off a bit of calories.

I know I emailed you my response to this already but I really like this prayer and I hope it helps not only you but people who are reading this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to achange the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

AMEN!!!

:)

Hey Tommy ~
I think you need to draw from your inner strength and guidance. Maybe going back to church will help. Money is tight everywhere. You just have to do the best that you can with what resources you have. DO NOT GIVE UP! You just need to get back on the horse. Take one day at a time. Have you thought about going and talking to someone professionally about your eating issue? It may help. God will guide you and so will your grandpa. You know that he is always looking out for you. You can do this. It is ok to lean on your family and friends for help. That is what they are there for. Keep in touch. I am going to have to send Vicki a message to get your new address as I am writing out Christmas cards tomorrow.

Peace and Love my friend ~ You will conquer this.
Ann