So the last few weeks have been particularily difficult.  Well, actually, things have been hard since I got back from vacation.  It's been a slippery slope - mostly spiraling downwards.  Diet and nutrition has contiued to frustrate me.  I have seen substantial gains over the last month or so.....I rocketed back up to 296....yikes....Let me tell you - to see that number on the scale almost broke my heart and my spirit.  Why, after all this time and how far I have come, am I allowing myself to regain the weight that I have been so happy to be rid of?  <sigh> I'm not sure.

This morning I weighed in at 292 (294? I don't remember) - that's a 4 pound increase from last week.  My first instinct was to say screw it, I'm so frustrated and don't want to think about this anymore.  It seems as if all I do is think about what and how many calorioes I am putting in my body.  It's almost becoming an obsession....not is a good way. 

I spent time after I left FT this morning thinking about how much I hate food.  I spent a lot of time blaming the food for tasting so good and presenting such a great temptation.  But then it hit me.

I realized that I don't hate food.

I hate what food represents to me. 

Food, for me, is an escape.  When things get to be too much, I can find friendship and solace in foods that have been there for me my entire life.  Food has always been there to comfort me when I was sad.  It has always been there to celebrate when I am happy.  It has always been there when I am bored. or frustrated. or angry.  Why wouldn't I turn to food?  Food has essentially been my best friend. 

When I think of great family memories, it always seems to revolve around food....Thanksgiving feasts, or a particular specialty a family member makes to eat....Vacations away and how food was always an integral part of it.  Most of my childhood memories involve food or things I enjoyed eating.  Food had always been there - in good times and in bad.

And, at the same time as being my best friend, it is also my worst enemy. 

Food for me also represents powerlessness.  When I think of food, I think about 3am binges.  I think about not having the willpower to say no to a margarita.  or cookies. or whatever.  There has been such an intense power struggle within me for control of what I eat, when I eat it and what quantity of food I will eat.  Unlike most people, my brain doesn't seem to want to stop when I am full.  Or stop because I'm eating because I am bored or stressed or insert excuse here.  My brain doesn't care that food has this hold on me.  It's so damn frustrating feeling powerless over it almost every day.

Food represents sneakiness to me too.  Food bring out the sly, cunning side of me....I can eat food in front of people and 9 times out of 10 you would never know. It's almost like a game to see just what I can get away with.  I always think I'm going to get caught and I rarely do; especially at home.  I have become very adept at sneaking one bite at a time, and keeping it hidden from everyone. 

My car is also a place where I do a lot of my "secret" eating.  I can eat whatever, whenever while I am driving.  And the beauty of it is, no one ever has to know because it's just me, my car and my conscience.

It's almost like part of me is prideful for pulling this off almost every day.  While that part of me is prideful, I definitely am not. 

I am ashamed of myself for not being in control. All I strive for is a sense of control and the more I look to attain that, the less I seems to have.  I don't want to throw my hands up and say, "Well this is just how I am - love it or leave it." 

It's funny, because so many people have said to me, "Now that you're eating healthier, you must lose your taste for sweets and fatty foods".  Quite to the contrary - when I eat some chocolat or eat a french fry from the kids happy meal, it tastes good.  My body still loves the taste of sweet and salty and fatty foods.  I think that my trying to stay away from certain foods has only increased my desire for those same foods.  It's a stupid double-edged sword......Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I just want food to be normal with me.  I want to be able to eat 1 or 2 cookies and not feel the desire to finish the whole pack.  Or, have the desire but have an even greater willpower to resist the temptation.  It's the the forbidden fruit story in the bible...You can have everything you want, except that one thing.  Then, what draws you in? That one thing...whether it's pie, or candy, cookies, whatever....It's hard to explain it....The foods call to me and many days I am poweless over them.  My will is strong by my body is weak....Most times I give into the temptaion and then always find a way to rationalize it out.  I've become really good at finding ways to justify what and how much I eat.

Gah.  It's just so freakin' hard...I want to feel normal where food is concerned.  I want to be able to keep food in the house and not worry about when I'm going to lose control and binge.  I want to be in control of what I eat and how much and when.  I have a sincere desire for all of this to work out.  I don't want to struggle with food like I have been for the rest of my life.  I want to be like people who can eat in moderation.  I want to be in control.

I just want to be normal. 

Whatever that is.

<sigh>

I bookmarked you ages ago because of the Rick Springfield connection. Decided to check on you today and I am so sorry you are struggling like this.

Everything you say, I could have said myself, in relation to my struggles with alcohol, which I more or less overcame (never totally a non-issue but...) a couple of years ago. The sneaking, the methods, the feeling of having gotten away with something. The addiction has the same face, it's just the mode of delivery that's different.

Food is a tough one. Because you can't just quit it. You need it to sustain you. Finding that balance between deprivation and excess is a really tough thing. Don't be too hard on yourself. At the same time, don't give up. Giving up on yourself is the worst thing you could do.

Do-overs are monumentally hard. Sometimes you just gotta do it again. Because to not do it puts you where?

I hear Whoopi Goldberg's voice... "Tommy -- you in danger, boy."

{v}

I know what you're going through. Food is my solace, my comfort. It's what I turn to when I am depressed, angry, frustrated, whatever. A few years back I lost 165lbs, then gained most of it back. Now I am losing again. I have a renewed sense of purpose, but I also know that I will never be "normal" when it comes to food. It will always have the same effect on me. It's a hard thing to accept that my longing for certain foods will never go way. I treat myself now and then to avoid going on a killing spree, but it can be no more than that or else I slide backwards. It sucks. I've had people (skinny people, of course) say, can't you like one fun size candy bar and be done? Well no. If I could do that, I wouldn't be fat in the first place.

Just keep going, bro. You've made so much progress so far. You can keep at it.

Much love,
Jim

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