Howdy - This has been a post a long time coming, and it isn't been easy trying to get the, errr....courage to write this.  But, I'm at a point where what I am dealing with is not only efefcting me, but the people around me that I care so deeply about. This post isn't an option, it's a complete necessity. 

For the last few months, I have been desparately trying to confront a problem of mine - and it's been so difficult, and I am now realizing that I can't do it myself - I need the help of my family and friends and any lurkers that may be out there reading my blog.  I have been dealing with the issue of compulsive overeating, and "binging" on certain foods - and the crazy thing is a lot of the time I am not even sure why I do it....I'll find myself in the kitchen at three in the morning - or eating in my car in secret - or, because I have gotten so good at sneaking food, I can sneak-eat right in front of people.  This affliction is killing my spirit, and I'm struggling which way to turn.  I've been doing a lot of reading on the topic, but haven't been having much success curtailing the urge to eat.  I have attended O.A. - Over-eaters Anonymous meeetings, but haven't been working the program, so that hasn't been helping either.  I try so dilligently to keep a food accountability journal, but find myself stopping from recording what I eat daily when I have a binge or have trouble with a certain food.

Certain Foods trigger my problems.

The thing I've realized is that there are foods I crave - and foods that trigger the binging response from me.  And sometimes it's foods that I don't know why I can't stop eating them. Trail mix, Granola bars, protien bars, popcorn, pretzels, bread, green beans....

It's just so hard for me - there have been days I have eaten Tums antacids to satisfy my craving..Sometimes I eat and I don't know why - it's as if I have no control over what grip the food has on me.  This past week, I found myself, not necessarily stressed or sad or whatever - just kind of OK, and I found myself eating in secret kudos granola bars (which we all know is just candy in a fance wrapper).  I had so many of those this past week, thinking about it makes me sick and ashamed of myself.  The weirdest thing is I can remember that while I was eating them, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I couldn't stop it.  I was totally out of control and that scares me.  It's so f*cking stupid that I do this stuff - Why Do I keep doing this?

From what I can remember this behavior has always been in my life - I can recall doing this when I was a kid.  I can think of times I would get up early before my Grandma and Grandpa woke up so I could eat an entire package of cookies (fudge sticks were my favorite) and then hide the packaging at the bottom of the garbage bag so that they wouldn't know.  I can remember times where I would take food into the bathroom of my Aunt's house and eat it so that no one would see me do it.  I can think back to HIgh School and going to parties where I would sneak back downstairs to eat more of the foods that were making me fatter and more miserable every single day.  There must have been THOUSANDS of times I've done this in the 35 years I've been alive.  I could tell you stories of fast food binges that would make you sick and give you a stomach ache just thinking about it - eating $15 worth of McDonalds in my car, and then going home and eating a meal that was prepared for me.  It's crazy the amount of food I was eating my entire life.  Damnit, can't stuff just be easy? I dunno what to think sometimes.....

And, it doesn't make sense to me, why, when I am thisclose to reaching my long-term goal (at this point about 19 pounds away), that I am seemingly sabbotaging myself by binging.  I know what foods to eat, and when to eat, and what quantities I should be eating.  I'd like to think that I am pretty knowledgable about diet and nutrition - I have so many calorie counts memorized on so many different foods - why do I feel the need to sneak-eat pop-tarts and candy and gum?  I know that stuff is junk and is POISON to me and my body.  I never want to be back where I was 2 years ago - I would be as bold as to say that I would rather die that have to go back to living in a 557 pound body.  I have come to love and appreciate the new me....Now if I could only change the way I view food, and the grasp that food has on me....It just leaves me feeling so hopeless sometimes....How am I ever going to get through this? How can I stop this from effecting the people I love? How can I do this NOW?  I don't want to wait until I'm gaining weight again - I want to nip this in the bud now....So I don't have to think about food and have food consume my thoughts on a daily basis.  That's what's eating me....What's eating you?

I think there will be many more posts about my struggle with over-eating and binging.  I am hoping that getting this out of head and onto the screen will hopefully free me from some of these demons.  I am praying that writing about this can bring me some peace of mind, bring me some hope again - I want desparately to figure this out - I want to be happy.  Truly happy with no faking or pretense. 

Pray that I will be, and can be happy. I can use all the positivity that I can get at this point.  I want to beat this.

Thanks for reading - knowing that someone out there is reading this really seems to help me.  Thank you.

love and patience,

Tommy

Hey Tommy ~ Be strong. As per our conversations at our OMAX days. You told me it was all psychological. Your mind sets you up for these things. You have come a long way. This hasn't been an easy road for you. But you have come a long way. Journally your food and thoughts is a good thing. Be honest with yourself and write everything down. Maybe it would help to go talk to a professional. I know there are meds out there that help with some behaviors. Maybe you and your doctor can come to a conculsion on what is the next step. You have made a lifestyle change for the better. Many people have not been able to accomplish what you have. It is a big thing to make this lifestyle change. Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you won't be able to maintain this lifestyle. Maybe it is afraid that you will suceed. One day at a time. Don't beat yourself up. Be strong nad pray for the right road. You have a lot of patiences. You are a wonderful human being and a true friend. I will keep you in my prayers and will pray for strength for your road ahead. Keep us posted. You are doing a wonderful job. You are a really and truly a special person. Friends from a far. Ann & Family - Green Bay,WI:)

Honey, I think you are amazing for what you have done. Everyone struggles with something compulsive at some point whether it's eating, depression, OCD, ADD etc. But know that you have the power to change anything in your life. You've already proven that to yourself. This is just another opportunity to reinforce in yourself that you CAN get past any roadblocks you have set up for yourself. Mind over matter sweetheart, you can do anything you put your mind to. You have loving friends and family to support you. You're a special person with a strong will - and of course our prayers will help you. :):):):):)

I don't have any profound words or inspirational thoughts. Just know that we all go through these things we can't control and are affected by things we don't understand. I am so proud of you and what you've done - I tell your story to everyone who will sit still long enough to listen. :) You're in my thoughts and prayers and know that you've gotten through so much - you will get through this, too!

Tommy, I don't know if there's much I can add to what's already been written here. You inspire me--I never thought I'd be able to drop any weight, and in the last year I've managed to drop quite a bit. At my peak, I was down 51 pounds. Today it sits at 43 pounds down--I fluctuate between 41-45 pounds lost. I know it isn't easy--and you've accomplished far more with your weight loss than I have. Think about it, 45% of you is gone! That's unbelievable! And what's left is the best 55%. You've hit a sustantial stumbling point. It's just a matter of leaping over this next hurdle--God knows there'll be plenty more hurdles in the next 50-60 years of your life! You just gotta jump over those hurdles and go running towards the next challenge. The challenges are there to make us stronger. And you already know how strong you've become over the last two years! Keep up the good work, and keep rockin!

I believe that a lot of binge eating may be due to a disregulation of the hormones/chemicals that tell your brain when you're full and to stop eating. A lot of research is being done and scientists are getting close to some medications that might help. Keep searching the Internet for info. In the meantime, you'll have to keep trying to avoid situations where it's a temptation. You made it this far so you obviously have the will and drive to succeed. It's normal to get discouraged at points. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and set small goals, like just getting through one day, or one event, without bingeing. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Hey Tommy , it's been awhile since your last post but I've been where you are now. I just hadn't come from so far away. Awesome job on the weight loss , you should be very proud of your occomplishment. But I'm sure you've heard all that before. In regards to the binges , I have a few things that worked for me. Maybe you've tried them , but who knows. A University study reports that One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied. This worked for me also , with a little whiskey added (on occasion). Flavored water is also a good option. Give it a try if you haven't all ready. I hope it works for you and DON'T GIVE UP! Also great job at te fair last week , you guys (and gal) rocked! Stay positive!

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